CONTENTMENT: When Chocolate and the Friend-Zone Just Aren’t Enough

Posted on Posted in Relationships

I’m a Bro. You know, the girl who hangs out with lots of guys. I grew up engaging in neighborhood Nerf gun battles or lightsaber fights and regularly found myself at Boy Scout bonfires.

I’m not necessarily a tomboy. The boys were just always around doing fun things, and I wanted to be involved. Thanks to all of my “guy experiences,” I have many normal interactions with men. Probably, too many normal interactions. I’ve always felt that if a guy does like me, then he’s usually some creeper I shoot down, OR I’M JUST REALLY PICKY (the latter may be the more truthful statement). You see, my “problem” is that I’ve never had a boyfriend. I’ve never stepped out of the friend-zone with anyone, and this has caused some contentment issues.

Heck, I thought that I would have a boyfriend by now. I’ve been single my entire life—nineteen wonderful years. Some would find this surprising, while others would say, “You’re so young.” I never wanted to date until I was in college anyway, but once I got to college, I was on “the hunt.” Like every disillusioned freshman, I thought that I would find a boyfriend. The ironic part is that it’s been a year and a half since I started college, and I still haven’t found one.

Sometimes I love being single. I don’t have to continually text someone my whereabouts, resolve unnecessary conflicts, or struggle with balancing relationships. Other times, all it takes is seeing a cute couple at the park or watching a sappy movie that gets to me. Pathetic thoughts flood my head, and I’m trapped.

One positive aspect of having lots of bros is asking them their perspectives on contentment. Here’s what my friends have expressed about this issue:

Discontent is Obvious to (most) Guys

I have a friend, Jake, who is extremely insightful when it comes to understanding the female mind. “I can tell the difference between a girl who’s actually content and a girl who’s pretending. A girl who’s content with where she is, is a girl who isn’t thinking about what could be,” he said. Jake believes that contentment isn’t forced. According to my friend Alex, “contentment is finding rest with who you are, what you’re doing, and where you’re at.” Click To TweetIt is one’s ability to focus away from what you don’t have and focus on your current situation. Besides, every guy I’ve talked to has said that women are WAY more attractive when they’re comfortable with where they are in the present. Girls who push their way to fight for attention come off as needy. Being needy is not cute.

If “the struggle is real” when it comes to contentment, try praying. Don’t directly pray for contentment because a lot of times, God doesn’t just hand out an “EASY” card. Jake told me one time to pray for opportunities to practice and display contentment. Realizing how much you grew through a situation is more satisfying than receiving a freebie.

Love What you Do

According to my friend Alex, “Guys find contentment in what they’re doing, while girls find contentment in relationships.” Alex further explained that contentment may look different between males and females. When men invest their time doing something that they love to do, they are comfortable. As females, a lot of times, we base our contentment on relationships. If my invested relationships are thriving, then I tend to be happy. If not, then I’m typically eating more chocolate than normal and journaling ferociously. However, lately I’ve been so focused on not only my relationships, but also what I love to do. I love taking pictures for my school’s yearbook. I love planning and organizing events so others can make memories. I love taking pride in my school work. In the words of my bro, Avery, “The biggest struggle for me is not doing what I want to do.” Anyone who stands in the way of Avery riding his motorcycle and playing his guitar is in a dangerous situation. In the same way, no one will stand in the way of my passions either.

Invest in Friendships & your Relationship with God

It’s okay to “just be friends.” I’m at the place in some of my relationships where I know that I’ll never be in a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship with them. That’s totally fine with me. I’m not the girl they need, and they’re definitely not the guy I need. I choose to actively pursue a friendship without tension with most of my guy friends. It’s more fun that way.

Ultimately, however, it is your relationship with Christ that matters the most. Searching for whatever is pure, lovely, right, admirable, excellent, or praiseworthy (Philippians 4:8) is wonderful, but if you’re not seeking God first, then you need to check your priorities. No man could ever fulfill me the way Christ can. In Philippians 4:10-13, Paul talks about finding contentment in his circumstances. And here’s the crazy part, he THANKS God for them. “I can do all things through Him who gives me strength” (Phil. 4:13) in my circumstances. I rest in knowing that all of my relationships and circumstances have a purpose and contentment is the first step in finding that purpose.

Having the Desire isn’t Equivalent to Being Discontent

Lastly, my guy friends stated that “You can be content yet pursue someone at the same time” (Alex). As another bro, Cody, once said,“You can be confident in yourself and your identity. You aren’t anchored in a relationship but anchored in Christ, but the desire can still be there.”

“You can be confident in yourself and your identity. You aren’t anchored in a relationship but anchored in Christ, but the desire can still be there.”

I desire for the relationship that my parents have, but I never want to be discontent. I always want to be confident and rest in the fact that so many people love and care about me.

Sometimes my family jokes and teases me about the friend-zone. It hurts…BIG TIME. But heck, this is my life and I won’t let anyone take that away from me.
It’s okay to be “on the pursuit,” but I’m so glad that God revealed the love I need today…and tomorrow…and forever. I’m on the hunt too, but if I don’t love these moments of independence, then how will I ever be content with living life co-dependently? I choose to love when I have highly educated discussions about Star Wars with my bros. I cherish the late nights that I spend eating cookie dough with my girlfriends. It’s freeing to enjoy these moments rather than wishing to hold some guy’s hand. I have clammy hands anyway.